Warning parents, do not try these at home. This list of ’13 Things Your Toddler Can Do But You Can’t’ showcases the various skills toddlers have, from wanting to eat the same food for 3-weeks straight to having no shame calling an overweight bearded man ‘Santa Clause’ in the grocery aisle.

  1. Sleep on 15 pillows and wake up without a neck ache
    Kids necks are essentially a human version of a slinky.
  2. Wear nothing but underwear and shoes when Grandma is over
    Tried this once. Haven’t talked since.
  3. Look cool wearing a cape
    Add a cape to the ensemble above and you have a typical Saturday morning.
  4. Eat the same food for breakfast, lunch and dinner for 3 weeks
    If it were up to my kids, bread and butter for all meals…. except dessert. Candy for dessert.
  5. Demand an audience whilst pooping
    They don’t like to poop alone and won’t let you poop alone. Perhaps they need a hobby.
  6. Tell strangers the truth about their appearances
    ‘Why does that man have beaver teeth daddy?’. Pick up your kid and RUN!
  7. Assemble people in the living room to watch perform a song they just made up
    ‘The wheels on the bus go poop poop pee, poop poop pee, poop…’
  8. Fit entire body in the bathtub
    Good for them. I can swim, in a pool, without floaties. +1 Dad.
  9. Inspire gushing praise by drawing a stick figure
    5 lines, it only takes 5 lines… and a circle if your kid is gifted.
  10. Completely fill your phone memory with nostril selfies within 2 minutes
    Hey, at least you know their constant nose picking is keeping things clean up there.
  11. Sleep sideways across someone else’s bed
    Kids are the reason king size beds exist.
  12. Get an extra sample cookie from the demonstration lady just because you are cute
    You can use this to your advantage, tell them it’s too close to lunch… and ‘discard’ of the extra cookie.
  13. Get super excited about grocery shopping
    And then they get there and refuse to sit in the damn cart.

BONUS: Have accidents in their pants
Come talk to me when I’m 90, then we’ll see who’s boss.