The king of Dad jokes, Modern Family’s Phil Dunphy would be proud. This compilation of the very best ‘Dad Jokes’ was created by scrounging the internet for the lamest, most embarrassing, bad dad jokes known to dad-kind.

Warning, do not use these jokes on anyone over the age of 18.

  1. Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree, and the guy behind the counter said “Are you going to put it up yourself?” My dad said, “Don’t be disgusting. I’m going to put it in the living room.”
  2. Two goldfish are in a tank, one turns and says to the other, “I’ll man the gun, you steer”.
  3. Soldier and a fish are in a tank.
    fish: “hey how do you drive this thing”
    soldier: “blub blub blub”
  4. Dad: “Hey, how many people do you think are dead in that cemetary
    Me: “It’s gotta be a couple thousand, pop.”
    Dad: “All of them.”
  5. Dad: Hey do you know that the people who live in those house over there can’t get buried in the graveyard next to them? They’re not dead yet.
  6. A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. “I think it’s raining,” he says to his wife. “No, that feels like snow to me, dear,” she replies. Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them. “Let’s not fight about it,” the man says. “Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.” “It’s raining, of course” Comrade Rudolph says and walks on. But the woman insists, “I know that felt like snow.” To which the man quietly says, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
  7. What did the beaver say to the tree? It’s been nice gnawing you.
  8. Dad: “Wanna know how NASCAR got it’s name?”
    Me: “Sure I guess.”
    Dad: “You know NASCAR originated in the south right?”
    Me: “Yeah.”
    Dad: “Well one day while some southerners were racing cars, a fast car races past a bystander and the bystander goes, “DAYUM! That’s a NAS-CAR!”
  9. Why does our president visit the gastroenterologist frequently? Because he can’t stop Putin.
  10. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
  11. Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.
  12. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.
  13. What do you call cheese by itself? Provolone.
  14. “I’ll call you later.” Don’t call me later, call me Dad.
  15. “Dad, I’m hungry.” Hello, Hungry. I’m Dad.
  16. “What is the lunchmeat that tastes like hot dogs?” “Bologna?” “This isn’t bologna, son, but a serious question.”
  17. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
  18. To a pizza delivery person: “Hey, you wanna pizza me?!”
  19. Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? Because he had a vowel movement.
  20. “Hey, Dad, whats this movie about?” It’s about two hours.
  21. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
  22. Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
  23. Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he’s a pain in the neck.
  24. “What time is it?” I don’t know… it keeps changing.
  25. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
  26. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  27. Whiteboards … are remarkable.
  28. What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend? She wasn’t right for me, so I really don’t carrot all.
  29. “Hey, dad, I’m running to the store, need anything?” No, I’m good but I really think you should walk, it’s pretty far.
  30. What do you call Jay-Z when he’s sleeping? Jay Zzzzzzzzzz.