Louis CK is a single dad raising two daughters and has some amazingly accurate, yet blunt, insights ever on parenting.

On not spoiling his kids:

“My 13-year-old daughter leaves the house at 7:15 every morning and takes a smelly city bus to school way uptown. It’s like 8 degrees out, and it’s dark and she’s got this morning face and I send her out there to take a bus. Meanwhile, my driver is sitting in a toasty Mercedes that’s going to take me to work once both kids are gone. I could send her in the Mercedes and then have it come back to get me, but I can’t have my kid doing that. I can’t do that to her. Me? I earned that f—ing Mercedes. You better f—ing believe it.”

Responding to “Are we there yet?”:

“I’m bored is a useless thing to say. You live in a great big vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, infinitely. You understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing. So you don’t get to be bored.”

Difference between raising boys and girls:

“Boys are hard to raise, man. All my sisters have boys and I just feel for them because it’s really hard. Girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level. They just — they’re different. Here’s the difference, to me, between boys and girls: Boys f—k things up. Girls are f—ked up.”

Explaining why gay marriage is a non-issue:

“When you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, ‘How am I supposed to explain to my child that 2 men are getting married?’ I don’t know, it’s your shitty kid, you f—kin’ tell ’em. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in love but they can’t get married because you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for f—king 5 minutes?”

On cell phones:

“Some parents really struggle with, ‘All the other kids have the terrible thing so my kid has to.’ No. Let your kid go and be a better example to the shitty kids. Just because the other stupid kids have phones doesn’t mean, ‘Okay, well my kid has to be stupid otherwise she’ll feel weird.’”

On raising kids after divorce:

“I’m an attentive, focused and responsible father. Do you know why? Because I get to say, ‘Goodbye’ to these kids every week! Are you shitting me? It’s like every parent’s fantasy. Who can’t be a good father for half of every week?”

On not obsessing over every word:

“I enjoy the things [my daughter] says. They’re beautiful and poetic, I love hearing them — but I don’t have to f—kin’ hear any of it. And that’s an important distinction. If you’re a parent you just start making it, because you can’t listen to them all the time that they’re talking, because they’re talking all the time. And they just talk whenever. They don’t give a shit what you’re doing or if it’s a good time. I’m in a shootout with the cops and she’s telling me all kinds of shit. She doesn’t care because she’s 5. They’re self absorbed people.”

On being “Dad,” not “Mom’s Assistant”:

“Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can’t dress and feed a 4-year-old? Take it on. Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. Get into it. It won’t take away your manhood — it’ll give it to you. I did that. I spent more time with my kids. I took it on. I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes. I don’t know what I’m doing. But my kids love me, go figure.”